Jack Rawlins’ “How to Write Humor”

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A lot of fiction has been written about people with superpowers. Usually the superpower is presented as an asset. Like a voyeur with x-ray vision, for example.

But suppose the superpower turns out to be a liability? The following fantasy-satire uses a twist to make a point about the lack of objectivity in today’s media.

Jill O’Smiley, Lox TV Shanker-Woman

I was on top of my TV career as a pundit at Lox TV when a toxic reaction to estrogen therapy required a total replacement blood transfusion. I left the hospital a changed woman. I was bubbling with a donor’s blood and DNA. With the transfusion came a giddy infusion of a superpower—total objectivity.

Two months later with my conservative talk show in the tank, I was facing off with my program director, Bernie Swartz. “Jill,” he said, they are cancelling the Jill O’Smiley show. “

I was shocked, but I should have seen it coming. I had the prerequisites of our station’s female stars: long hair, a pretty face, a cocky attitude and a body that created excellent TV cleavage. But I knew that was not enough. Television is all about ratings and my ratings were in the hopper.

“Jill,” he sighed, “There’s no room for objectivity in the news business. Objectivity is a myth that we must perpetuate. It’s not something that we must practice.

“Since you had that damn transfusion, you’ve lost your snarky demeanor. Now you project, not only both sides of every issue, but also the middle and all the tangents. We can’t have that.

“What’s more, you’ve lost your obviously phony guise of cordiality. Now you’re sincerely cordial to every liberal wacko we get on your show. You’re supposed to embarrass them, not be nice to them.

“So where’s the heat, honey? Viewers want controversy. Viewers want support for their views. They don’t want a critical analysis that doesn’t give easy answers. They don’t want you to be kind to people they don’t like. They want blood.

“And another thing, how come you stopped interrupting people when they speak? Viewers loved it when you shouted down the opposition. Now you’re too darn polite. You’re having conversations instead of inquisitions.

“When you have a panel discussion, you seem to forget that you’re all supposed to talk at the same time and never let anyone finish a sentence. You know, like the ladies do on The View Show.

“Jill, we loved it when the left called you the shanker-woman because you were always hitting the ball deep to the right. There was never any doubt about your position.”

Finally Bernie paused for breath and said, “What in the hell got into you, Jill?”
“Well,” I answered, “about 10 pints of somebody else’s blood and their DNA. I can’t stop being totally objective. Remember Lord Acton’s statement: ‘Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely’? I thought my superpower of total objectivity would be a blessing in the news business. Instead my lack of objectivity has been corrupted. I’m getting tossed out with all the has-beens.

“But the irony, Bernie, is that I’m so totally objective I can see your side of the issue. I can’t change what’s happened to me. What I have to change is how I can turn this superpower into an asset in a world that thrives on bullshit.

“Any suggestions?” I asked.

“Yes. We’ll pitch a new program. We’ll call it, ‘The Reality Chick’s Check. ’ It will be a program for people seeking confirmation of decisions they’ve already made. But you won’t tell them what they want to hear. You’ll make them see both sides–all sides of every issue. A lot of people will hate you. A lot will love you. The ratings will be great.

“But forget about TV news. You’ll never hack it unless you get treatment or learn how to become a bombastic, opinionated phony again.”

So, I took Bernie’s advice and we launched the new program. I don’t think I really help anybody, but I add another layer of doubt to their decisions. And I am very well paid for my super-powered objectivity.

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© Copyright 2010 Smiling Jack (UN: jackrawlins at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
Smiling Jack has granted Writing.Com, its affiliates and syndicates non-exclusive rights to display this work.

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One of the things that make a good story great is rewriting. Hollie Overton of Poptimal™ ezine covered the recent Writer’s Guild West Awards. Here are two of my favorite quotes form her story posted on February 22, 2010:

When she asked David Shore, writer/executive producer of Fox TV’s House for his advice to new writers, he said:  “Keep writing and writing and writing. Don’t fall in love with your stuff. And keep working on it. Keep rewriting. Rewriting is everything,”

She also spoke with Jon Lucas and Scott Moore who wrote the smash hit movie, The Hangover. “We’re not smarter than anyone else, “they said. “It’s about sitting down and doing it. Grinding it out, over and over again.”

Few writers get it right the first time. Stories need polishing, When you have the luxury of letting it sit for a day or two, come back to your bit with fresh eyes and ears. You’ll see and hear things that should be fixed. Get rid of all unnecessary words. The saying that “Brevity is the soul of wit,” (from Shakespeare’s, Hamlet) is a good guide for comedy and humor writers.

Use as few words as possible. What? You’re getting paid by the word?  Don’t kid yourself. The more the editor has to use his blue pencil to cut the fluff, the less professional you’ll look.

Following is one of my satire pieces that I should have sat on for a few days:

Jill O’Smiley, Channel Lox TV Shanker-Woman

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Come. Sit. Stay. And I’ll tell you the story of my life. Just kidding. I wouldn’t do that to anyone kind enough to visit my place. But to establish my credibility, I’ve got to tell you where I’m coming from.

When I was a little guy, adults were always asking: “Jackie, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Sometimes I just said, “Bigger.”  Other times I said, “How the hell should I know? I’m only five years old.” But now I do know: I want to write humor and help others do it, too.

After over forty years of writing and producing all types of marketing communications materials–and at the same time working as a belly-to-belly sales rep–I had an epiphany: I would rather make people laugh than make them buy stuff.

I wish it hadn’t taken so long to see the light. I’m not bitching, though; I was also gathering material.

So now here I am telling people how to write humor. Audacious?  Not really, because I’m simply telling others how some of the best do it. And without the slightest trace of   modesty, I also offer some of my material that I think is funny. Ah, and here’s the rub; you might not think it’s funny—but somebody will.  Nevertheless, my offerings can still make a point, even when not thigh-slapping, rip-snorters.

I have a bawdy sense of humor. Not everyone likes my ‘lite raunchy dissing’ style. It actually offends some, and I don’t like to be offensive; and so, I rationalize that I write for those with a bit of ornery in their soul.  There’s plenty of squeaky-clean good material available for those with different tastes.

I grew up in a country saloon. I didn’t just hang out there.  It was my dad’s place. Most of the customers were colorful regulars who came every day. There were always plenty of good stories and lots of raucous laughter. Until I started school, it was my day-care center.

My dad was a natural story teller. He didn’t just tell jokes. He took on the persona of the characters in his stories, mimicked their voices, posture and mannerisms. His was a friendly humor. He laughed at man’s foibles, but it was not cruel laughter. He was a kind, gentle man with a right cross that could flatten a drunk who could hardly stand. But, he never had to use it.

Before I got so darn busy making a living, I spent four years in the Navy, then  earned my B.S at Temple University in Philadelphia, PA. I majored in advertising, journalism, marketing and how to stay awake in night school.

I do hope you’ll stick around and come back often. Meanwhile, check out Valuable Resources. (If you buy something, I’ll get a commission.)

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Most experts I’ve checked with say, “Don’t bother sending a pitch or cover letter.” If your material is funny, you don’t have to explain the concept.

Susan Morrison, articles editor of The New Yorker says she prefers submissions that have a narrative through line… a beginning, middle and end. For examples of the type of humor she and her associates like, visit The New Yorker online. Navigate to humor and click Shouts and Murmurs.

In Comedy Writing Secrets, Mel Helitzer, says, “The key to the sale of a column, article, or filler is the perfect marriage of subject matter and audience.”  Check out publications online, at your library, newsstand, or in the Annual Issue of Writer’s Market. But, you can’t really know what any of them like best unless you read an issue or two.

Gene Parret, author of Writing Humor You Can Sell, says “Trash the query letters.”  He says the value of humor is in the execution, not necessarily in the premise. Of course, a great premise is a wonderful building block.  Just don’t try to use it to sell an editor on your funny piece. He’ll decide without you telling him whether or not it’s funny enough for his readers.

And a final note: follow the publication’s submission guidelines for format, length and method of submission—and send them something funny.

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I just got my copy of this gem a few days ago. It contains conversations with 21 top humor writers on their craft. It’s bursting with good advice and behind the scenes info about  the writers, the shows, movies and comedians they worked with in their careers.

The book includes a bonus of six special sections titled: “Quick and Painless Advice for the Aspiring Humor Writer.” These sections cover: Getting Hired as a Sitcom Writer; Getting Humor Published in Magazines; Finding a Literary Agent for Your Humor Book Idea; Getting Your Humor Published in The New Yorker; Acquiring and Agent or Manager for Your Script; and Getting a Job as a Writer for Late-Night Television.

Extra spice is added in the form of “Famous Last Words (of) Advice.” These are brief commentaries from Judd Apatow, writer, director and producer; Bruce Jay Friedman,The Collected Works of Bruce Jay Friedman; Ben Karlin, The Colbert Report and The Daly Show; Frank Jacobs, Mad; John Hodgman, The Areas of My Expertise;  Dan Clowes, Ghost World; and  Ian Gurvitz, Wings and Becker.

And Here’s the Kicker, should be part of every humor writer’s library.

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