To write comedy & humor, take what’s usual–then twist it.
A lot of fiction has been written about people with superpowers. Usually the superpower is presented as an asset. Like a voyeur with x-ray vision, for example.
But suppose the superpower turns out to be a liability? The following fantasy-satire uses a twist to make a point about the lack of objectivity in today’s media.
Jill O’Smiley, Lox TV Shanker-Woman
I was on top of my TV career as a pundit at Lox TV when a toxic reaction to estrogen therapy required a total replacement blood transfusion. I left the hospital a changed woman. I was bubbling with a donor’s blood and DNA. With the transfusion came a giddy infusion of a superpower—total objectivity.
Two months later with my conservative talk show in the tank, I was facing off with my program director, Bernie Swartz. “Jill,” he said, they are cancelling the Jill O’Smiley show. “
I was shocked, but I should have seen it coming. I had the prerequisites of our station’s female stars: long hair, a pretty face, a cocky attitude and a body that created excellent TV cleavage. But I knew that was not enough. Television is all about ratings and my ratings were in the hopper.
“Jill,” he sighed, “There’s no room for objectivity in the news business. Objectivity is a myth that we must perpetuate. It’s not something that we must practice.
“Since you had that damn transfusion, you’ve lost your snarky demeanor. Now you project, not only both sides of every issue, but also the middle and all the tangents. We can’t have that.
“What’s more, you’ve lost your obviously phony guise of cordiality. Now you’re sincerely cordial to every liberal wacko we get on your show. You’re supposed to embarrass them, not be nice to them.
“So where’s the heat, honey? Viewers want controversy. Viewers want support for their views. They don’t want a critical analysis that doesn’t give easy answers. They don’t want you to be kind to people they don’t like. They want blood.
“And another thing, how come you stopped interrupting people when they speak? Viewers loved it when you shouted down the opposition. Now you’re too darn polite. You’re having conversations instead of inquisitions.
“When you have a panel discussion, you seem to forget that you’re all supposed to talk at the same time and never let anyone finish a sentence. You know, like the ladies do on The View Show.
“Jill, we loved it when the left called you the shanker-woman because you were always hitting the ball deep to the right. There was never any doubt about your position.”
Finally Bernie paused for breath and said, “What in the hell got into you, Jill?”
“Well,” I answered, “about 10 pints of somebody else’s blood and their DNA. I can’t stop being totally objective. Remember Lord Acton’s statement: ‘Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely’? I thought my superpower of total objectivity would be a blessing in the news business. Instead my lack of objectivity has been corrupted. I’m getting tossed out with all the has-beens.
“But the irony, Bernie, is that I’m so totally objective I can see your side of the issue. I can’t change what’s happened to me. What I have to change is how I can turn this superpower into an asset in a world that thrives on bullshit.
“Any suggestions?” I asked.
“Yes. We’ll pitch a new program. We’ll call it, ‘The Reality Chick’s Check. ’ It will be a program for people seeking confirmation of decisions they’ve already made. But you won’t tell them what they want to hear. You’ll make them see both sides–all sides of every issue. A lot of people will hate you. A lot will love you. The ratings will be great.
“But forget about TV news. You’ll never hack it unless you get treatment or learn how to become a bombastic, opinionated phony again.”
So, I took Bernie’s advice and we launched the new program. I don’t think I really help anybody, but I add another layer of doubt to their decisions. And I am very well paid for my super-powered objectivity.
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Filed under: Finding Humor, Insights & Opinions, Personal Stuff
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
One of life’s many mysteries.