How to Write Funny Comedy & Humor

Dr. Schnitzel is an anthropologist who will do anything to get published. Sometimes he makes things up and tells lies. His colleagues say he doesn’t know beans about human beings.

Explorers first contact with Wieners

The first contact between New World explorers and The Wiener People was made by a party from Capt. Cornelis  May’s ship Joyful Message when it visited New Jersey’s Great Egg Harbor. The following material copied from the Captain’s log chronicles the event.

Monday, June 16, 1620: On this day I dispatched a longboat with crew of eleven under command of Lt. Merrymaker. Laden with rum and cheap trinkets they are to ascend the upper reaches of The Tuckahoe River and trade with the Indians.

(Note: Captain May is not clear whether the boat or men were laden with rum.)

Tuesday June 17, 1620: At 1:00 A.M.  Lt. Merrymaker and his crew returned with news  they found no Indians but had discovered a new race that fit no current classifications. I was disappointed that he brought back no goods, nor did he return my rum and cheap trinkets.

Lt. Merrymaker explained that they had surrendered their supplies to insure safe passage down The River or as he so eloquently put it: “To save our ass.”

(Note: At this point although the Captain does not log it, he may well have speculated that the crew got wasted then swapped the cheap trinkets for special favors from the native women.)

Wed. June 18, 1620: After a long rest, Lt. Merrymaker has restored my faith in his leadership with the following written account of events on the afternoon of June 16:

“When we reached the end of navigable waters we met a large group of naked men, and women. They were copper-toned pigmies, the tallest not more than three feet high.

As we beached we noted for the first time the most striking physical features of these little people. Bowman Jack Tarr  yelled, “My god, Lieutenant! Look at the big weenies on those little blokes. And look at the bodacious ta tas on those little biddy’s bodies.

When we leaped ashore we saw not one sagging breast or flabby behind. ‘All of the men,’ seaman Ralph noted, “are hung like horses!”

I realized then we had discovered a race where natural selection had run amok. Unencumbered by clothing it was easy for both genders to make a selection based on a trilogy of attributes most highly prized in this culture: Penis size and T&A’s.

It was difficult not to stare, but they seemed oblivious to our curiosity. Their movements were quick, graceful and catlike. Their speech can best be describes as avian. They displayed an extensive vocabulary of chirps, cheeps, peeps, trills, whistles, caws, hoots and cackles. Cackles seemed to dominate their conversation and we noted with some dismay that their cackles lacked any mirth.

We saw no signs of the usual accoutrements of Indians.  Nor did we see any weapons, though there was an ample supply of sticks and stones that could break men’s bones.

Also of special note, despite their otherwise handsome appearance, their red eyes gave them a malevolent demeanor.

(Note: This may have led to the old-fashioned term for rascals, “Little red-eyers.”)

We tried to communicate with sign language, but they ignored us, crowded about our boat and began to carry off our cargo. Since we came in peace, we had cached our weapons beneath the center thwarts and covered them with canvass. Had we not, they would have carried them off as well.

When we protested the looting the cackling became a painful cacophony, and in frenzy they grabbed the last of our barter and suggested we leave by pushing our boat into The River. We scrambled, stumbled, waded and swam to catch her as the swift current caught the stern and swept her from shore.

With great effort we overtook her when she slowed momentarily in a back eddy. We were soon all safely aboard and far down river.  When we took to the oars and looked back, they cawed, hooted and turned their buttocks to us.

(Note: Evidently the practice of mooning pre-dates the current era. It is quite possible the Indian expression “Many moons,” has been misinterpreted.)

Royal Academy of Science P.O.s  Captain

When Captain May returned to Holland he notified the Royal Academy of Science of his discovery. He was immediately discredited by anthropologists, who were certain they already knew everything worth knowing and that he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Furious, Capt. May petitioned his friend, the French Queen Mother, Marie de Medici. He asked her to establish a committee to validate his claim and to establish a name for the species.

Based on descriptions of the new race, which The Queen Mother found quite interesting, she felt the name, “Weenie People,” though descriptive was inaccurate.  At the same time, she was appalled at Capt. May’s attempted levity when he suggested they be named “The Pecker People.”

Nevertheless she formed a two-man committee which consisted of Professor Hienrich Bratwurst and, Dr. Herman Wiener. Wiener chaired the committee. After a shipboard inquiry they validated Captain May’s claim. Then, in deference to the Queen’s valid argument, the name “Weenie,” was dropped. After further discussion, the name “The Bratwurst People,” though descriptive, was also abandoned. Finally, after much acrimonious name calling, and a tie-breaking vote by the Chairman, the committee adopted the name “The Wiener People.”

Summary

In this paper we have discussed (1) the first contact with The Wiener People, (2) establishment of their classification as a race and (3) the choice of a name that reflects to some degree their unique physiology.

(Author’s Note: In a subsequent paper, I will discuss my seminal work on reproduction among The Wiener People. I will give special  emphasis to  the  role  of coitus  interruptus in medies res in the stabilization of their population and its relation to  the song  “Breaking up is hard to do.”)
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