The Phantom Defecator
(Fiction)
The Phantom Defecator
The following news items appeared in the Lestchester Daily Journal and were collected by scatology expert Dr. Federico Fecereni. We offer his chronology with a caveat peruser: If potty humor offends you, you are about to be offended.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Phantom Defecator
Strikes Local Bank
Makes deposit in First Rational lobby
Lestchester, NY — A First Rational Bank security officer tripped an alarm late yesterday to alert police that someone undetected by tellers or security cameras had “stole in, stooled, and stepped out.”
“I got a whiff something was amiss when I checked the lobby at closing time,” said Dick Lacey. “I thought it was a gas leak, so I just followed my nose ‘til I spotted the source in the pot of a potted philodendron. I stomped the alarm so the cops would show up while the crime scene was still warm.”
Bank president Dick Click visibly shaken said, “If this is someone’s idea of a practical joke, it’s not funny. And it’s not practical. This jokester’s business is bad for our business. I want this ‘Phantom Defecator’ found. And I want to know how, when and why he did it.”
At press time, Lestchester Police Chief Mario Nabber said, “A full scale investigation is in progress; but right now we have no evidence we choose to use. Our police force is totally clueless.” Bank officials agreed.
Dick Lacey said the philodendron is doing well.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Phantom Defecator
Hits Council Chambers
Irate custodian says, “I just waxed that floor!”
For the second time this week a prankster dubbed, the Phantom Defecator, made a public appearance without being seen. “That’s a hell of a trick,” said City Hall custodian, Tyrone Tittle. “He’s an oxymoron. You can’t show up without being seen.”
Tyrone was summoned for emergency duty Wednesday night by City Council members. When they convened for the weekly meeting, they were greeted by a strategically placed sign of the Phantom–right in front of the rostrum.
Tyrone, who takes great pride in his work, scooped up, disinfected the area and sprayed the chamber with air freshener. Minutes later as the spectator gallery filled, buzz of the reason for the masking aroma spread.
Dick Click, president of The First Rational Bank and a Council member confirmed that The Phantom Defecator had struck again. ”What’s more,” he added “he may be one of you. Everyone here is guilty until proven innocent.”
City Council president Jimmy MacAnanny tried to conduct business as usual. But the audience’s gleeful rumble was out of control. Jimmy banged his gavel with such gusto he snapped the handle; and then he gaveled the lectern with his sneaker. Nobody heard the sneaker’s thud and the meeting throbbed with a life of its own.
Jimmy hadn’t cracked a smile since Y2K fizzled into just another millennium; but Wednesday he enjoyed a compound fracture of his funny bone. His normal pomposity perished with a whoop as he tumbled out of his chair gasping with laughter.
His spill sparked an epidemic that fueled the mother of all hee-haws; the chamber rocked!
Council Woman, Shelia Santos, laughed so hysterically her plumbing failed. A rivulet ran from her seat, under the head table, across the floor, and tinkled over the edge of the rostrum.
While the audience cheered, Tyrone rushed forward with his mop and bucket. A tad miffed, he shouted, “I just waxed that floor, madam! Control yourself!”
When Tyrone finished, the lights blinked twice and Mayor Les Peppy stepped forward and raised his hands for silence.
“Fellow citizens,“he intoned,“we’ve had a good laugh tonight. But this is serious business. I’m afraid we may have a serial defecator on our hands. I promise you we will get this “Creepy Crapper.”
“Sinister Stooler,” shouted someone from the audience. “Mysterious Mess Maker,” shouted another. “Pooper Anonymous,” yelled another.
It was Tyrone, however, who brought the name calling to an end when he gave an umpire’s sign and thundered, “Foul Bowel!” Immediately four members of Council who are also members of a barber shop quartet, sprang to their feet and rendered an impromptu “Take me out of this bowel game.”
When applause for Tyrone and the quartet ended, Mayor Les Peppy said, “I hereby propose that City Council authorize a $1,000 reward for information that leads to the capture of The Phantom. I will also instruct Police Chief Mario Nabber to form a Special Quash Unit Attack Team (SQUAT) and assign them the task of catching The Phantom with his pants down. They will be a crack unit.
“The reward should help. As for now, we are completely clueless.”
The Council agreed and voted unanimously in favor of the reward.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Phantom Defecator Visits
League of Women Voters
Ladies “disgusted, insulted and outraged!”
Lestchester, NY— The Cities new SQUAT squad responded to an emergency call at 7:31 pm last night from the League of Women Voters Club at 7th and Wood Sts. There they found the Phantom’s latest prank had shattered for the first time any trace of civil discourse in the sedate group’s history. Some sobbed. Some cursed. Some argued. Some shouted. No one laughed.
Armed with protective clothing, pooper scoopers, and a temperature probe, SQUAT secured the area and cordoned it off with crime scene ribbons. Moving quickly with their temperature probe they established the approximate time of the crime. While they confiscated the evidence, and disinfected the area, two officers completed the assault with sweeping bursts of spray deodorant.
Then, much to everyone’s surprise and embarrassment the officers questioned each member to establish her whereabouts at the time of the crime. The ladies were infuriated by the implication that The Phantom might be among them.
Before adjournment, the Club added $1,000 to the City’s reward for information leading to The Phantom’s arrest. They then voted to sponsor a bake sale for Saturday, June 13. All proceeds will be added to the reward already posted.
One seasoned political observer, observed: “The Phantom should know better than to mess with those ladies.”
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Phantom Defecator Drops
Big One at Bigot’s Club
Members say police let evidence get cold
Lestchester, NY —The City’s new SQUAT squad responded to a call at 8:15 pm last night that The Phantom had desecrated The Bigot’s Club headquarters on South Railroad Avenue. The call was placed by Fritz Sneer, the Group’s Imperial Wiseass. Sneer later complained that “The cops took a lot more time to come investigate than they do when they come down here to hassle us freedom lovers.”
Police Chief Mario Nabber denied the charge. He said, “Despite club members habitually referring to my officers as ‘pigs,’ they are entitled to the same police protection we give normal people.”
Sneer said The Phantom left his deposit at The Club entrance on top of a stack of hate notices just delivered by their printer.
When SQUAT finished their investigation Sneer pledged a $25 reward for the capture of The Phantom. He said, “Yeah, I know that don’t sound like much, but most of us guys don’t work. Hating and baiting Hispanics, Blacks, Jews, and other minorities takes a lot of time and effort. What little cash we get from our herb garden goes for hate mail, beer, jackboots, tats and short hair cuts.”
Monday, June 15, 2009
League Bake Sale
Adds $5,000 to Reward
City and First Rational add matching amounts
Residents of this tight-knit community lined up to buy– and others to donate–baked goods at this past weekend’s sale. With their original $1,000 pledge, and proceeds from the sale, The League has now raised $6,000 for information that leads to The Phantom’s arrest. As promised, The First Rational Bank posted a matching reward of $6,000. When Mayor Jess Peppy heard the news he also bumped the City’s reward up to $6,000.
The reward is now $18,025 and still growing. Since the National media picked up the story donations (not yet totaled) have poured in from League of Women Voters in all 50 States. Estimates say the reward could go as high as $ 75,000 to whoever “bakes The Phantom’s buns.”
Police Chief Sam Nabber is concerned the fat reward may attract bounty hunters and vigilantes. “I’d like to keep that money in town,” he said. “We’ll have a news conference Thursday to update you on the initiatives we’ve taken. Our guys will catch that guy with his pants down.”
Wednesday, June 17, 200
Mayor Peppy, Chief Nabber Update
Action to Catch the Phantom
Program named ‘Bake the Phantom’s Buns’
At 9:00 am yesterday, Mayor Jess Peppy and Police Chief Mario Nabber held a news conference at City Hall. The room was packed with representatives of The First Rational Bank, City Council, The League of Women Voters and eight members of PETA who thought The Phantom might be an animal that needed protection.
The Mayor and Police Chief issued the following statement about the program now officially named “Bake the Phantom’s Buns.”
1. “We’ve retained scatology expert, Dr. Federico Fecereni, professor
emeritus of Uganda U., as consultant.”
2. “Friday we meet with the FBI’s profiling unit for a picture of the
Phantom’s psychological makeup.”
3. “For a long shot, we’ve hired Psychic Dorea Senses.”
4. “The reward fund has now passed $92,025 and is still growing.”
The Mayor said, “Lets face it folks; this is no longer a local issue. The National Media has picked up the story and we’ve replaced New Jersey politics as joke of the week. The best way to nip this story in the bud is to nip the Phantom in the butt.”
Police Chief Mario Nabber, closing the meeting said, “Our police force— thanks to the quick action of SQUAT— is no longer clueless. We will catch this guy with his pants down.”
After the meeting we asked Dr. Fecereni if he found helpful DNA in the fresh evidence. “No,” he said. “Unfortunately the only thing I found was…oh, never mind.”
Monday, June 22, 2009
Phantom Defecator
Reward Tops $100 K
Brings National bounty hunters to town
Lestchester, NY —League of Women Voters Clubs around the Nation formed PAC’s (pastry action committees) last week; sponsored bake sales, and donated the proceeds to the “Bake the Phantom’s Buns” campaign. According to Dick Click, president of The First Rational Bank, the reward has reached $102,025. The money deposited in a Crime Boppers account, will be released to any informant who supplies information leading to the capture and conviction of The Phantom Defecator.
Those with information are urged to call the Crime Boppers’ Tip Line at PHANTOM. Callers will be given a code number and collect the money if their tip helps trip up the Phantom..
Today, Chief Mario Nabber said three bounty hunters are already in town. Each has announced his intention to catch the Phantom and capture the reward.
The Chief said, “We want to catch this serial defecator before he strikes again. But we don’t need some greedy punks coming in here trying to do our job. Besides, I’d like to see us keep that $102,025 in town
“The FBI profiling unit has supplied our SQUAT squad with a psychological profile of the personality behind these crimes. According to their experts, The Phantom has taken his figurative feeling of getting dumped on and turned it into the literal revenge of dumping back. To be blunt, the institutions he targeted must have pissed him off.
“Psychic Dorea Senses said she has had visions of a large woman flitting about at night; and we should not rule out the possibility that The Phantom is a woman.
“Scatology consultant Dr. Federico Fecereni disagrees.’ Based on the evidence I’ve examined so far,’ he said, ‘it’s unlikely any lady would do such a thing!’ “
Asked if he had any new leads, the Chief said, “We’ve had 25 calls to the Crime Boppers’ Tip Line. Our SQUAT squad is investigating every tip regardless of how asinine. Yesterday we had an email from a man in Roswell, New Mexico. He said what we’re finding is alien scat and they are obviously marking our territory for takeover.
“I’m afraid some folks out there are just playing the potty lottery in hopes they’ll strike it rich. But, let me repeat: We will catch this guy with his pants down.”
Wednesday, June 24, 20009
SQUAT Squad Nabs Phantom Defecator
Anonymous tip leads to arrest
Lestchester, NY —-Last night the SQUAT squad captured The Phantom Defecator in Cooper Park. In response to a tipster’s call, at 11:00 pm the crack unit quietly surrounded the park’s darkened bandstand and positioned themselves in the bleachers. When they flipped on their powerful search lights, The Phantom, wearing a simple black dress, and Hush Puppies© stepped center stage and mooned the audience. They gasped when they saw the moon-maker wore no panties—and had gonads.
Clutching a small purse, The Phantom surrendered peacefully. During the arrest he protested that he is not a transvestite: “These are my working clothes. They’re my cover, designed to help me make a quick, easy movement and move on.”
In his purse, SQUAT found a remote control with a pause button for security cameras; a package of biodegradable heinie wipes; and a small litter bag. “These are the tools of my charade,” he explained. “They allow me to stoop, poop, swipe a wipe, and quietly fade into the night like a tiny fart in a breeze.”
This morning, Police Chief Mario Nabber identified The Phantom Defecator as Herman Gibbon, a retired physicist, former director of The Bran Institute, a community activist, and a frequent contributor to Op Ed columns
Chief Nabber told reporters, “I promised we would catch this guy with his pants down. Well, he made that impossible. But we did catch him with the help of a concerned citizen who will be well-paid for his tip. He will collect $104,025 when he supplies his code number.
Later, Mayor Less Peppy said, “Now maybe the media will stop laughing at Lestchester and get back to New Jersey politics.”
Mr. Gibbon is scheduled to appear before Municipal Court Judge Fairashell at 10:00 am tomorrow. There is speculation that Judge Fairashell, who has a reputation for leniency, is unlikely to throw the book at The Phantom Defecator. Some say he is more apt to just slap his fanny.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Phantom Defecator Gets Light Sentence
Critics say Judge just slapped his fanny
Herman Gibbon, aka The Phantom Defecator, appeared before Municipal Court Judge Fairashell this morning to explain his aberrant behavior. The Phantom, who was arrested by the City’s SQUAT squad, offered the following summary in his defense:
“I nailed The First Rational bank with my first deposit because they’ve become irrational. Since their merger with those big city banks, they’ve become just another cold-hearted bank. In the old days, if I was overdrawn a few bucks, they’d call me and I’d hustle down to cover it. Now, they just bounce the check and charge me $30 for their stamp.
“Besides that, they now have a whole bunch of new service fees…fees for stuff they used to provide free. And if my balance gets too low for them, they continue to use my money and charge me for letting them keep it there for them to use.
“My next target was City Council. Every time I pick up the paper they’ve hired another $50,000 consultant to tell them something they should already know about this little City.That bunch of stale politicians has been dumping on us tax payers every chance they get. So I dumped one on them.
“As for The League of Women Voters, those sexist biddies are all so damn uptight and snooty-proper I couldn’t resist making a special drop just to rumple their undies. But I do appreciate their fund raising efforts in my behalf.
“Of all my defecations, though, The Bigot’s Club gave me the most satisfaction. Those guys have topped my fecal roster for a long time. They’re always spreading nasty crap about everyone. So I gave them some back.”
After Mr. Gibbon’s testimony, The Judge, who has a reputation for being soft on crime, ordered Mr. Gibbon to pay a $100 fine for each of his four defecations and a $5.00 fine for mooning the SQUAT squad.
In an apparent effort to deflect criticism, the Judge explained his ruling: “Mr. Gibbon didn’t break anything. He’s not guilty of indecent exposure. Except for the mooning incident to establish his I.D., nobody ever saw his bottom. He didn’t hurt anyone. He didn’t steal anything. He didn’t deface any property. And a lot of folks sympathize with him and his choice of targets.”
Phantom’s Post Sentence Announcement Shocks Court
“Thank you, your Honor,” said Mr. Gibbon” I’ll pay the fine as soon as I pick up the $104,025 reward money for my help nailing the Phantom.
“I’m the concerned citizen who gave Crime Boppers the information that led to the capture and conviction of The Phantom Defecator. Well, I’ve been captured and convicted and I have the code number for the reward.
“So now, I’ll just cliché my way out of here, sashay over to the bank, and pick up my reward. Remember, ‘What’s right is right.’ ‘A promise is a promise.’ ‘A deal’s a deal.’ ‘What’s fair is fair,’ ‘Is this a wonderful City, or what?”
As he left the Courthouse, Mr. Gibbon announced he will hold an appreciation press conference tomorrow in Cooper Park at 10:00 am. At that time he will detail how he plans to use the reward money.
Mr. Gibbon said, “Everyone is welcome. Coffee, Danish and bagels will be served. My treat. I can afford it.”
Friday, June 26, 2009
Phantom Launches ‘Fresh Start’ Program
Will reinvest reward money in City
Lestchester, NY —Guests at the Herman Gibbon aka The Phantom Defecator news conference in Cooper Park at 10:00 am today learned the Phantom had claimed his own reward. First Rational Bank President Bill Click confirmed that Mr. Gibbon appeared at the bank yesterday and supplied code numbers that proved it was his tip to Crime Boppers that led to the Phantom’s capture and conviction.
When asked how he planned to spend the reward money, Mr.Gibbon announced that rather than spend it, he will invest it to give Lestchester a fresh start.
“Last night,” he said, “I purchased the headquarters of The Bigot’s club and served eviction notice. Their herb garden crop of cannabis will be donated to the Regional Center for Pain Control. The clubhouse will be fumigated, renovated and offered to the Police Athletic League rent free.
“I have a commitment from the State Banking Commission to proceed with plans to open a new bank here to be known as “The Compassionate Community Bank.” It will bring back rational home-town banking, free checking, fee-free transactions and everything folks didn’t pay for before.
“I will form a League of Male Voters to cooperate with The League of Women Voters. With the ladies we will form a non-partisan Blood Hound Committee. It will track down and bite the ass of any pol that even hints of pay-to-play, cronyism, nepotism, despotism, favoritism or any other ism deemed inimical to the City’s best interests.”
After the conference, local sculptor and heiress Mary Bedlam announced she will sculpt and dedicate a statue of The Phantom to be mounted in Cooper Park. The plaque will commemorate his unique form of social and political activism as an agent of change that launched a fresh start for Lestchester.
According to Miss Bedlam, the statue will resemble Rodin’s The Thinker. Art critics say if it does it will aptly resemble a man forcing a stool.
