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Save the World: Give a Rat’s Ass

By Jack Rawlins

You are cordially invited to help us save the world.
We just can’t count on those who don’t give a rat’s ass.

Dear Nice Person,

You have been nominated for charter membership in Give a Rat’s Ass (GARA), a new proactive organization for those rare do-gooders who are not self-righteous and obnoxious. GARA is the parent organization of ACLU, the American Civility Lovers Union. As a really sweet person, you understand the importance of being pleasant regardless of what kind of day you’ve had or are about to have, or what time of month it may be. You have already shown you really do give a rat’s ass about things that others don’t. And that’s a very good thing.

Why the World Needs GARA

There are not enough sensitive people like you.

On the other hand, there are far too many people who say they don’t give a rat’s ass about certain people, places, things, events, or groups. Other than themselves, there is really nothing they care about.

Now these are not stupid people. They may just be rude, crude, insensitive nose-picking line-jumpers who got in the wrong queue when social intelligence was passed out. As a result they are easy to spot on Santa’s lists of who has been naughty or nice. Because they don’t give a rat’s ass, they do not make the world a better place. And that’s a very bad thing. Especially if you’d like to save it.

So what should society do? Experts who don’t have a clue about how to fix business, social, or political problems often parrot the advice, “You have to get involved.” But do you really want to get involved with people who don’t give a rat’s ass? Do you want to lobby for rules, regulations and laws that try to force people to give a rat’s ass? Of course not. You can’t legislate that one must give a rat’s ass. That’s why the world needs GARA and you.

How GARA Will Save the World

GARA will change metaphor into reality with real rat asses. What better way to make a statement that you really do give a rat’s ass than to literally give a rat’s ass? Regardless of the cause, event, idea or ism you support you can show it when you give an authentic rat’s ass.

As a charter member of GARA you’ll be part of a movement that may well dwarf pet rocks, Chia pets, hula hoops, tattoos and body piercing. We expect the rat’s ass to become a symbol of social revolution, an icon of reason in a nutty world.

Our advertising and public relations plan will provide the tools to make GARA a household word. The theme of our program to be launched with the next Super Bowel will be: “Help someone have a nice day; Give a rat’s ass.” Bumper stickers, pins, labels, posters, mugs, caps, and T-shirts will support the effort.

(Note: For obvious reasons our creative team abandoned the idea that the ads should also include “people who just don’t give a shit.”)

Where to Get a Rat’s Ass

One of the most rewarding aspects of the GARA program is its impact on the world’s rat population. There’s only one place to get a rat’s ass. As the program grows, the number of rats will shrink. And that’s a very good thing.

Worldwide sales with guaranteed same day shipping will be handled through our Web site. Our promise: We will make it quick and easy for everyone to get their hands on a rat’s ass.

Our marketing program will encourage cheap knock offs. This will stimulate harvesting in countries where rats compete with humans for food. However, to protect our concept we will caution users to look for the “Real Rat’s Ass” label. It would be a marketing faux pas to permit faux ass.

When to Give a Rat’s Ass

GARA’s marketing program includes convenient packaging with dry cleaning directions, and suggestions for how and when to give a rat’s ass. Opportunities to pass on a rat’s ass are too numerous to list. A visit to Hallmark will suggest countless possibilities.

However, as a GARA member your own sensibilities will be your best guide to determine causes worth supporting and turds to terminate.

The Ultimate Goals of GARA

Altruism permeates GARA. That’s why we do what we do. Our first goal is a world where everybody gives a rat’s ass about everything and everybody. Our second goal is to so decimate the world’s rat population that rats will be placed on the protected species list.

How to Join

Give us all your personal and banking information and we’ll take care of details such as automatic withdrawals from your checking account and pre-authorized purchases. Or if you prefer, send us all your ATM, debit and credit cards. We’ll take care of everything. To expedite processing, please don’t forget to include your pin number(s).

Yours for a better world,

Willard Rattus

Give a Rat’s Ass Founder, President, & Treasurer.

PS. All rats’ asses are shipped in a plain brown wrapper
with tails and genitalia removed.

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